The KISS of Death - A MUST read article from RaceFax.com

[sydude]

Want to be entertained, befuddled and also see the next nail in the coffin of the IRL? Then please read on. I thought this was an early April Fool's joke, but a quick peruse of indycar.com confirmed what you're about to read as being very very true...

The KISS of Death (01/11/06)

If anyone doubts that the apocalypse is nigh, we offer as rebuttal yesterday's announcement that the Indy Racing League has hired a marketing firm. Said firm is fronted by Gene Simmons, best known for his 32-year run as a front man for the rock group KISS and the longest tongue in rock & roll, and Richard Abramson, whose primary claim to fame appears to be creating a financing scheme for making movies and producing the Paul "Pee-wee Herman" Reubens sit-com.

It was telling that the press announcement began with a note asking that editors resist the obvious temptation to run a photo of Simmons in his KISS make-up, the image of Simmons not being one the League wants to project. Nevertheless, it is the image they have now acquired.

To this point, all Simmons Abramson Marketing have contributed is a song, "I am Indy," characterized as a "We Will Rock You" type of anthem. The song is pure '80s retro, all thumping bass and puerile, nonsensical lyrics, which are mercifully brief. Not that you need take our word for that; you can hear it via www.indyracingleague.com, but hopefully not on a full stomach.

Somehow -- no one seems to know quite how -- the song is expected to "forge a resonant link between the drivers and the IndyCar Series fans."

Other details of the marketing campaign, "will be revealed," though when was not revealed, though in the press conference, Simmons let slip that, "There's going to be Indy Girl clothing lines. There's going to be Indy fashion shows." Obviously sure-fire ways to pack 'em in at the track, and rivet fans to their televisions.

Also not revealed, against common practice when announcing such efforts, was the budget that will make it possible for Simmons Abramson to tell the IRL's story , "richly and repeatedly...in television, radio, print and new media."

The song title is also the theme for the yet-to-be-revealed campaign, and throughout the press conference, Simmons and Abramson referred to Indy, rather than to IndyCar racing, the Indianapolis 500 or the Indy Racing League. One tended to get the impression that the two Hollywood types thought they'd been hired by the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce.

Most of the statements were simply embarrassing, and the most embarrassing quotes came from Simmons:

"We're going to make sure people around the world, especially America, recognize the coolest of the cool is Indy because it is America."

"...our message is not to stress how many rpms go around the track (sic), but more to talk about the United States of Indy notion."

"The idea is to virally spread this message because above and beyond the sport, we intend to make this a lifestyle."

"The reason you keep hearing the word Indy from us is we believe our side of the equation is to simplify the message, which is to say Indy is of course IndyCar, the Indianapolis 500, and so on and so forth, but there's something here that tugs at your heart. It's a personal sort of pledge of allegiance; Indy as in independent, Indy as in individual."

"The idea of Indy is a big idea, and if we stretch it out to a non- perhaps IndyCar fan, the word, Indy is much more seductive. Much more importantly, it's much easier understood, because everybody is an Indy. We have to spread the Indy message to everybody -- not just guys, not just girls, not just white, not just black, not just American but around the world -- which is why we came up with the notion, and our political platform, if you will, our mantra, 'I am Indy.' "

Apparently expanding on the political platform concept, Simmons also delivered himself of this: "You're an individual and America is a country. Sometimes America does things you agree with, sometimes not. But you as an individual are allowed to do what you believe in. This is something we believe in."

Obviously the nation, like the future of the IRL, is in good hands here.

And to think that, when we began this enterprise over a decade ago, friends questioned what we'd find to write about during what was then a far shorter off-season. Hey, we wouldn't have the gall to make this stuff up, and we couldn't ask for finer quality grist for the mill.

For the grist, we should tip our hat to Phil Lengyel, executive vice- president, marketing for the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Simmons Abramson was his baby, but the ultimate thanks has to go to IMS president Tony George, for like everything else that has put the IRL and the 500 on the road to hell, Tony had to give the final approval.

George is perhaps not aware of it, though as a former marketing executive for Disney, Lengyel must: marketing is a profession, not an avocation. It is taught in colleges. People get degrees in it, including MBAs. Getting really good at marketing then takes years of experience, a progression through the ranks.

Simmons and Abramson have no such degrees, nor do they have experience, outside Simmons marketing his band and himself to the one audience he knows well, the KISS Army. Making matters worse, they evidenced yesterday that they also do not know how Indianapolis or their home town, Hollywood, are largely perceived.

Simmons spoke about Indy being "the landscape of America," whatever that means, and, "the United States of Indy notion," but Indianapolis is only thought of as typical of America in Terre Haute. In the major markets, where the big audiences and the big money reside, Indianapolis is just a featureless part of flyover America. And as for the Indy 500 being part of the American consciousness, someone needs to show Simmons the Nielsen ratings for the last eight or 10 years.

When Simmons says, "everybody loves Hollywood; everybody loves Hollywood stars," one has to conclude that he has somehow managed to overlook the predominant Indianapolis, Mid-Western, Republican attitude to Woopie Goldberg and Michael Moore, or for that matter, KISS. There, the attitude toward Gollywood hasn't changed much since the days of Tailgunner Joe McCarthy and the House Un-American Activities Committee.

They are no more knowledgable about the product they are now charged with marketing. Rather, they are still in the novice, gee-shucks, ain't this grand state, something that was repeatedly unavoidable in the press conference. It happens to everyone the first time they come out of the short-chute tunnel, turn around and are stunned by the sheer scale of the area from the first to the second turns. But by now, they should professionals, not slack-jawed rookies.

Yet Abramson gushed that, "Gene went to a couple races last year and so did I. It was like, 'Oh, my God, this is unbelievable.' The drivers are like rock stars in rocket ships.... They're all cool, hip people." Which suggests that they need to meet a few more, as confirmed by Simmons, who told the press corps -- which already knows all the drivers well -- "We've met Tomas (Scheckter), and we're going to meet the rest of the drivers in a few days." None too soon, given that the drivers are what they largely intend to take to market. And by the way, would someone point out to Simmons that, at last count, Scheckter is not currently among the list of 13 or 14 drivers with confirmed rides for the coming season.

Rightly, Abramson said, "We've got to get this word out. We've got to make it known to everybody, and we've got to try to figure out -- the challenge for us, and we will succeed, we will absolutely succeed -- is to take Indy and to make it accessible to every man, woman and child in America."

The trick, of course, is how to go about that, and as Abramson pointed out in that quote, and he and Simmons made clear repeatedly, 'how' is something they've yet to "figure out." Usually, marketing firms are hired on the basis of what they've already figured out, not faith that they will figure it out.

This would all be rather humorous if it weren't so sad and pathetic, and if the IRL weren't in such -- musical reference here -- dire straits.

Make no mistake; the Indy Racing League is in serious trouble, and in serious need of a professional marketing campaign, not to mention something marketable. For both the teams and the League, the business model is precarious, supported insufficiently by Honda. The number of races is dwindling. An 18-car field is possible, but no more than that. The races are processional and boring, the cars increasing slowed by rules intended to make the racing safer, not more entertaining or exciting. Except for a small upward spike created last year by Danica Patrick, the long-term television viewership trend is downward, and the individual races are unprofitable to broadcast, carried by Indy's shrinking coattails.

Instead of seriously addressing the problems, and coming up with innovative solutions, what we have from the League's management is business as usual and, as Abramson said, "The "I Am Indy" theme, which we're very proud of, both as a musical piece and as a theme for the campaign, (that) will be heard and known by everyone."

That'll fix it, for sure.

Contents Copyright 2001-2005, Word of Mouth and Forrest Bond